I Feel Alone
I feel alone, but perhaps that's normal. Perhaps I just need to be patient. I basically lost everyone, or at least I lost their sympathies and genuine friendship (except my wife). Everyone in the church assume they know what I know and what is best for me. None of them listen. That's okay, why should I expect them to? If they listened to the Book Of Mormon and half the rubbish church leaders say they would be exmormon like me. I wanted to send my resignation so bad but my mother and grandmother made me promise I wouldn't. They think I'll come back some day, but I wont. The hurt is deep and the facts are real, I'm done with all religion.
Everyone contacts my wife with friendly letters. Saying they miss her and want her to come back. No one sends me anything. It hurts a little, but I wouldn't care for it otherwise. But all this attention to my wife makes me think that they (true believing mormon's) might think I've tempted my wife to leave as well. There's also a rumor going around that my wife and I are now satanists who practice which craft.
What part of atheist and agnostic do they not understand? I enjoy science and the ability to admit I was wrong.
I'm trying really hard to have a clean head and positive perspective. Just I feel this knot in my chest, this emptiness, this pain that wont go away when I think about all my efforts, all my time spent, all my church study, all my meetings with the bishop, all the guilt, and mental illness. I almost hurt myself the other day. I was going to start cutting again. But I didn't, I've already gone to a mental hospital and I wasn't going to let the church make me go crazy again. I wasn't going to let my wife see what I did and make her hurt. I wasn't going to be a coward. I refuse to start smoking again. I know it's bad. And I refuse to use drinking as a coping mechanism but sometimes it hurts so bad.
None of my friends (who are mostly religious) really understand or care. None of my family members care. Each time I speak to any of my friends who are religious and thought I was too now just speak to me out of pity. No one texted me. No one called me. No one understands that what being atheist means. Like it's okay to say you don't believe in god but don't you dare say atheist. Ugh...
Luckily, I still see a psych but I wouldn't dare tell them I think about suicide sometimes. I can control it, I wont do it, but sometimes I hurt so bad. I really cared about church, I really defended it, I really avoided science to save my faith but now...I'm empty.
I've decided to stay involved as much as I can on all the exmormon sites. It makes me feel good that I'm not alone. It makes me feel good to know that though I don't have any exmormon friends near by I do have some behind a computer screen. I don't know what I would do without this site and the other forums and atheist forums, it's the only place I don't feel alone. I also decided to get involved in some manga, comics, physics, and music forums too so I can get my mind off the whole exmormon thing and strengthen my hobbies so I don't feel so bad for myself.
I feel like a big baby writing all this but it's how I feel and it's places like this that I can know that someone out there understands.
So I guess now I just need patience, lot's of self love, and a lot of perseverance. I know I'll get out, but when? I'm married and almost 21. I'm no where near graduating college, I've really ruined my college career because all of the stuff I've dealt with. So I'm just focusing on entrepreneurialism and starting my computer business. I love programming and computers and the physics of the whole thing.
I guess it's time to just put one step in front of the other. Find some other nerdy friends to talk games and manga with. Some geniuses to teach me what they know about physics. And buy a piano.
How I miss the sound of a piano. I've been without on for 4 months. My piano is sometimes my best friend. The way I can practice and practice and never get tire. The way all the notes fall so nicely together to make songs. When I dream, I sometimes dream of playing. I play a song and it is so euphoric, I'm at peace, and nothing bothers me. But for now I just listen to piano solos and when I do I dream and when I dream I am happy.